Quite often, we take things personally that are not actually about us. The angry customer or critical boss. The driver that cuts us off. The defiant teenager. And, in some ways, it is about us because their behavior has an impact on us. However, it is important to realize that the motivation for the other person’s behavior is about them and that, usually, we do not have to take it personally. The angry customer is upset about their wasted time and we just happened to answer the phone. The critical boss is getting flak from further up the chain and is frustrated. The other driver didn’t even see us. The defiant teenager is having difficulty navigating the treacherous waters of adolescence and we are a convenient (and safe!) outlet for feelings they cannot even identify. 

 

This is very similar to how we interpret situations. When we observe others’ behavior, we make assumptions about what that behavior means and the others’ intentions based on what that particular behavior would mean if we did it. However, those interpretations are often wrong. We cannot fully understand the context of someone else’s behavior nor are we mind-readers. When we apply motivation and intention to someone else’s behavior based on our unique perspective and world view, we can often be wrong. This applies to concepts such as respect, responsibility, commitment, and even love. Factors such as gender, personality, age and culture can dramatically influence what these concepts mean to a person. Believe it or not…that person behaving badly is not being disrespectful/disloyal/irresponsible from their point of view! It is up to us to become aware of our interpretations and how they color how we perceive others’ behaviors and subsequently how we choose to respond.

 

 

Once we examine our interpretations (and, maybe, ask clarifying questions) we need to get an understanding of what our own emotional responses are about. If we are having an emotional response to something, it is essential to get to the bottom of what’s going on. While we do not want to be emotionally overreactive, we do not want to ignore the signals our feelings give us. By ignoring our feelings because we are uncomfortable with them (i.e. anger) makes it more likely that we will not accurately assess and address what is really going on with us. This is especially true with conflict; often we fight about the wrong things. That is, we focus on what we think  is the problem rather than identifying the emotional issue under the surface.

 

Similarly, we sometimes inappropriately direct our emotional responses toward people and situations. At some point, we have all taken a bad day out on others. Therefore, it is important to take a moment for a status check: “Am I really upset with this person/situation or is it something else bothering me.”  

 

Finally, as part of this check, it is important to HALT before making a response. That is… check to see if being Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired  is influencing our emotional state and perception of the situation. We should be eating every 2 hours (small snacks) to keep our blood sugar steady while avoiding nicotine, caffeine and processed sugar which are all addictive substances. We should be assertive with our wants, needs and boundaries and addressing emotional issues proactively. We should have an active social and family life. We should be getting 6-8 hours of sleep a night (every night!). If we do not have these things, it is likely that we are taking things personally and/or overreacting to situations.

 

 

Often, we blame others for how we feel and our subsequent behaviors. It is even in our languaging: “He made me mad!” The problem is that if our emotional state is dependent on others complying with what we want, we are going to be emotionally uncomfortable frequently. It is essential that we develop emotional assertiveness. Assertiveness is simply respect of power: I have power over my thoughts, feelings, beliefs and behaviors and you have power over your thoughts, feelings, beliefs and behaviors. We must learn to recognize that we are ultimately responsible for our feelings and behaviors and others are ultimately responsible for theirs. We must allow others to make choices and we must accept responsibility of how we choose to respond. In addition, one of the major differences between positive and negative stress is our perception of control. If we feel we do not have control, it is perceived as very negatively stressful. If we feel we have at least a modicum of control, the same situation can be viewed as positively stressful (e.g. motivating versus anxiety producing). When taking an assertive stance, we can change negatively stressful situations into positively stressful ones. And, the truth is that we always can have some control over each and every situation if it is only how we choose to respond! A very assertive statement which can be helpful to say to ourselves (not to the other person!) in difficult situations: “I will not pay the emotional price for your bad behavior.” 

 

In addition to eating and sleeping, awareness of breathing is key. As a matter of fact, focusing on correct breathing can take the heat out of almost every stressful situation. So, make sure you have good posture to allow you to fill your lungs with oxygen for optimal brain function. Then, when you breathe in, make sure your belly goes out (imagine a string pulling your belly button away from your spine). If your belly goes in when you inhale, that activates the fight or flight response. Breathe in – belly out triggers a calming effect. The next time you feel stressed, check your belly!

 

 

Emotions are the result of chemical reactions in our body. In addition, they will not just disappear on their own. We must acknowledge and address our emotions, especially strong ones, or the chemicals will build up and cause physical discomfort and illness. One of the best ways to work through our feelings is to talk them out. Addressing conflict issues, journaling and venting to a trusted person are some effective ways. After expressing our feelings, if there is nothing else that can be done (e.g. it’s just a bad day), then we get to accept there is nothing else to do and then let it go.

 

Sometimes, however, there are still issues that need to be addressed. Once we assess the situation and our part/responsibility, we then get to ask for others to take responsibility for their part. Often this includes asking others to change their behavior. It is important to ask for objective, measurable changes (e.g. “Please respond when I ask you a question”) rather than subjective, general ones (e.g. “Be more respectful”). This gives the other person clear direction rather than information that can be misleading or misunderstood.

 

Once we ask for change, it is essential to communicate consequences and boundaries. We assume people understand the consequences of their behavior and are surprised, upset and/or angered when they seem to pretend that they were unaware. The truth is that sometimes people truly do not understand or are unknowing of the consequences that are obvious to us.

 

Finally, give others time to change. We create pathways in our brain for things such as habits, emotional responses, beliefs and attitudes. It takes time for these pathways to become rewritten. True change does not occur overnight. 

 

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