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Checklist for Holding Difficult Conversations
Nobody likes to have a difficult conversation. It can create stress leading up to the event. In every case, communication is a two-way conversation between you and someone else. Although you can’t always control the other person’s response, you can control what you say and your approach.
Consider reviewing the checklist below the next time you have to hold a difficult conversation.
- Preparation: Consider practicing the conversation with someone you trust who is not directly involved in the situation. Ask them their advice on your delivery skills and message. This will help confirm your approach or give you ideas and areas for improvement.
- If possible, hold difficult conversations in person. It shows respect for the other person.
- Prior to and during the conversation create a safe environment to invite conversation.
- Don’t have the conversation in front of others who are not involved in the situation. It can be awkward and uncomfortable for everyone.
- Share the reason you are having the conversation and the issue that concerns you.
- Start the conversation with a common objective or value you both hold. This provides a neutral starting point for the conversation.
- Show respect for the other person. Not only is it ethical, it will allow the other person to hear your words in addition to seeing your actions.
- If you are delivering bad news, do it at the beginning of the conversation so you can then focus on the reasons supporting your decisions.
- Address the conflict in the conversation from a standpoint of how it makes you feel. Be honest and open. By expressing how the situation makes you feel, you are not putting the other person on the defensive.
- Present facts versus opinions. Facts help support your findings and provide concrete information.
- Don’t put the other person on the defensive because they will “tune out” what you are saying.
- Look for signs (verbal / non-verbal) for how the other person is receiving the conversation (receptive, open, silence, avoidance, anger). This will help you get a feel for how the conversation is going and determine if you want to make adjustments.
- If someone shows resistance to the conversation, ask questions and listen to understand their point of view. Be empathetic towards their feelings and show compassion.
- Get the other person’s story and perspective. This helps you determine if you have all the facts to base your claim.
- Use active listening skills to understand the other person’s point-of-view. Paraphrase / summarize the information they share to make sure you understand their message.
- Help each other problem solve to seek a compromise where appropriate. Win-win solutions help to build relationships.
- Identify and agree upon action steps and changes that need to be made. Put this in writing so that both parties have the information. When something is in writing there should be no misunderstandings.
- In some cases, you may have to agree to disagree.
~ Walk away to get emotions under control.
~ In extreme cases, permanently dissolve the relationship if needed.
- Schedule a follow-up conversation to touch base on how things are going.
Self Reflection Exercise:
After you have held a difficult conversation, reflect on what went well and what you would change. In YELLOW, highlight list items used that helped you hold a productive conversation. In BLUE, highlight list items you would change or improve for future conversations. Refer to this information the next time you hold a difficult conversation and incorporate these changes.
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