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Resource Library : Effective Communication : Stress and Emotional Management

Stress and Emotional Management

If you think about all the things that go awry in people’s lives, they are either directly or indirectly caused by the people themselves or someone else generating more emotion than is necessary. People generate this dysfunctional amount of anger, or a higher frequency, intensity and duration of anger because they have an external locus of control. 

Locus of control is the term to explain where feelings coming from.  Most people have an external locus.  They believe that what others say and do, and what happens is the reason for their feelings.  They allow the actions of others to control their feelings.  In turn, they start to feel like a victim of circumstances with no hope of ever feeling better.  Most importantly, they miss many opportunities to feel better.
 
Anything that others say and do, or that happens, is technically just an event in our lives.  People call events all kinds of things.  What they call them (i.e. problem, trouble, mistake, accident, success, failure, challenge, opportunity) doesn’t change what happened.  It just makes it harder or easier to deal with.  It’s what we think about what others say and do and what happens that causes how we feel.  The formula for feelings is:
 
EVENT    +    THOUGHTS    =     FEELINGS
 
Thoughts cause feelings, not events.  It’s like that algebraic formula we all learn:  a + b = c, where a is a constant, and b is a variable.  If a stays the same, and b changes, c changes too.  Likewise, if an EVENT stays the same, and we change the way we THINK about it, our FEELINGS will change, perhaps for the better, perhaps for the worse.
 
The purpose of this first activity is to demonstrate that you already know this at some level.  You’ve just never had anyone point it out to you in this way.
 
Anger is a common driving force behind much unhealthy, self-defeating behavior.  Anger is just one of many feelings that can make otherwise smart people do stupid things.
 
Which thoughts would make you angrier?
 
Read the statements below and decided how you would respond to an event.  Which of the two statements would make you more defensive in a conversation with someone else?  Write “A” or “B” in the space provided on the left.  
 
Next, decide if the response you selected is based on fact or opinion.  Write F for FACT or O for OPINION in the space provided to the right. For questions like those in “A” of number one, you will have to translate the question into a statement. For example, “How dare they say that about me?” = “They can’t say that about me.”
  1. How dare they say that about me?
  2. People can say whatever they want to.
  3. They can’t talk behind my back like that.
  4. It’s not the first time someone talked behind my back and it won’t be the last.
  5. I don’t like when people say things like that, but I’ll survive.
  6. I can’t stand when people say stuff like that.
  7. They can’t get away with that.
  8. People sometimes do get away with things, but what goes around often comes around. People CAN stick their nose in my business if they want to.
  9. They should mind their own business.
  10. How could someone be so stupid?
  11. They’re just fallible human beings like the rest of us.
  12. They shouldn’t treat people like that.
  13. They can treat people anyway they want.  
  14. Things don’t have to be true for people to say them.
  15. They can’t say things about me that aren’t true.
  16. I have to get even with them somehow.
  17. I don’t have to get even with them, I’d just like to.
  18. They’re going to think whatever they want to.
  19. I can’t let them think they can boss me around.
  20. They shouldn’t make such a big deal out of this.
  21. People can make as big a deal out of something as they want to.
  22. They can’t tell me what to do.
  23. They can do whatever they want to.
  24. I can’t let them disrespect me like that.
  25. It’s my choice how I want to feel, no one upset me, I upset myself.
  26. They can’t ground me for something like that.
  27. They don’t have to have a good reason to ground me.
  28. It’s not the end of the world.  It’s over and done with.
  29. It’s really awful that they would say something like that.
  30. I can’t stand being told what to do by others.
  31. I don’t like it, but they can do whatever they want to.
  32. They did the best they could under the circumstances.
  33. They’re idiots for doing that.
  34. Shut up (They have to be quiet).
  35. They don’t have to do anything.
  36. I can take anything they dish out.
  37. I’ll go crazy if they do that one more time.
  38. I can’t believe they’d do something like that.  It’s terrible.
  39. I’ve survived it before and I’ll survive it again.
 
Reflection Questions
  1. Now answer the following questions as best you can to gain some insights.
  2. Based upon your answers in the exercise on page 2-3, are you more defensive when you respond to facts or opinions?  Why?
  3. Is it POSSIBLE to have both of the two thoughts given about the same event?
  4. Would there be a different frequency, intensity and duration of anger with the two different thoughts for the person having them? 
  5. Could there still be other ways of thinking about or looking at the event in each situation besides the ones given?
  6. Is it possible there might be some way of looking at each event that would allow us to not get upset at all?
  7. What does all this logically demonstrate or prove?  (Hint: what really causes feelings?)
  8. If we wanted to lower our frequency, intensity or duration of anger, what would be the most     direct way to do so?
  9. What pattern did you notice?  When people upset themselves more than necessary or than is helpful, they’re thinking in terms of (FACTS or OPINIONS)
  10. Which ways of thinking sound more familiar to you, the ones that you labeled FACTS, or the ones you labeled OPINIONS?
  11. What would be a way to upset ourselves less than we might now?  Write an answer using the terms FACTS and OPINIONS.
 
Chances are that it was relatively easy for you to determine which way of thinking would cause you to become angrier. The point is you already know that thinking and/or talking one way can make people more or less likely to get angry than thinking and/or talking another way, regardless of what the event is. THOUGHTS CAUSE FEELINGS, NOT EVENTS. When people generate more emotion than is necessary or helpful, it’s because they think in terms of OPINIONS instead of FACTS.
 
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