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Developing an External / Internal Locus of Control
Most people have an EXTERNAL locus of control. They believe that what others say and do, and what happens makes them feel the way they do. This makes how they feel depend on others and events in their lives that they have no control over. Feeling better then depends on others and events changing for the better, which they may never happen. They could end up feeling like victims of their circumstances with no hope of feeling better. That’s never a good thing. People with an external locus end up giving other people and events power and control over how they feel and give away the real power THEY have without realizing it.
It’s what we think about what happens that causes how we feel. Thoughts cause feelings, not events. We make COGNITIVE CHOICES all the time, often without being aware, that determine how we feel.
Developing an INTERNAL LOCUS OF CONTROL means to:
- Learn the real cause of our feelings
- Learn and remember what our COGNITIVE CHOICES are
- Learn to use this new knowledge to our advantage to feel better regardless of what happens
Developing an INTERNAL LOCUS OF CONTROL means:
- Learning and remembering what we can and can’t control
- Focusing on and working with what we can control instead of what we can’t
This is a visual portrayal of how a conflict or argument develops. What someone else says or does is an EVENT for us. We generate thoughts about what they said or did. These thoughts may be AUTOMATIC IRRATIONAL BELIEFS. They are thoughts we’ve had that are well rehearsed and practiced, and therefore “rutted” in our brains and automatic. They are irrational because they make us feel worse than necessary and cause us to say or do something that can cause problems in our lives. They cause us to get angry. We say or do something to the other person. That’s an EVENT for them. They generate their own AUTOMATIC IRRATIONAL BELIEFS about what we say or do. That causes them to get angry, or angrier than they were before. They say or do something again. That’s a new EVENT for us, and the cycle continues.
REFLECTION QUESTIONS
- Which half of the circle do we have control over?
- Which half of the circle do most people spend their time and energy trying to control?
- The Serenity Poem (Prayer) says:
~ Give me courage to change the things I can
~ Serenity to accept the things I can’t change
~ And the wisdom to know the difference
~ Do we ever really control what others think, feel, say or do?
- What are the only things we do control?
- Where would our time, energy and effort be best spent?
- Construct some coping statements to guide you in your daily life.
~ I can’t control...
~ I only control...
~ Others can...
~ The only person I control...
~ The more I try to control what others think, feel, say and do, the...
~ The more I focus on and work with what I think, feel, say and do...
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