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Stress and Emotional Management

Behavior of any kind, including unhealthy, self-defeating behavior, starts and continues because it serves a purpose. A large part of what gives purpose to unhealthy, self-defeating behavior is that people generate a dysfunctional amount of emotion. Many unhealthy, self-defeating behaviors result because of how people feel, or represent their best attempts to get relief from their feelings. Emotions like anxiety and depression can be problems in themselves.

In order to develop an internal locus of control, it is necessary to start to think and talk differently about your feelings..  We all have “ruts” in our brains for looking at things that happen that give us an external locus of control. For example, “That really makes me mad,” “He really hurt my feelings when he said that” or “She really made me feel guilty when she said that.” Once we create such “ruts” for looking at things or talking these ways, we can’t get rid of them. Therefore, the only way to develop an internal locus of control, and remind ourselves of the power we do have, is to practice and rehearse responding to events with new ways of thinking and talking. If we do enough practice and rehearsal, these new ways  become new “ruts” and replace our old ways of thinking. They might even become our automatic response to any new life events. However, no matter how much practice we do, we can still slip back into our old ways. The difference is that we get better at catching ourselves sooner and sooner, before we generate too much emotion for too long.
 
Part of developing an internal locus of control is learning to NOT take unnecessary responsibility for how others make themselves feel. Doing so puts us at a disadvantage for doing what is perhaps best for us. It can be used against us to manipulate us. Not to mention we generate more guilt and shame than necessary, and get angry and try to defend ourselves against being blamed for how they feel. When this happens, it only makes matters worse. We are responsible for what we say and do. Other people have this same choice. They can disturb themselves as much or as little as they want to.  Doing so would be understandable, but we are not responsible for their thoughts and feelings.
 
Rewriting the way you think and talk to have an Internal Locus Of Control (LOC)
 
Log ways YOU talk when you’re angry using OLD lines of verbiage. Then, select and write out 3 statements from the INTERNAL LOCUS OF CONTROL STATEMENTS
 
Example: 
  • OLD Shut up you idiot! 
  • NEW No one makes me mad
  • NEW It’s my choice how I want to feel
  • NEW It’s my job to make me feel better, not theirs
 
Log what OTHERS say to you when they are angry with you. Then select and write out 3 statements from SECTION 2 of the EFFECTIVE COPING STATEMENTS
 
Example:
  • OLD You’re such an idiot
  • NEW No one upset them, they upset themselves
  • NEW I’m not responsible for how they feel, they are
  • NEW It’s not my problem, it’s theirs
 
Reflection Summary
  • How will you use this exercise to help you build an Internal Locus of Control?
  • What practices will you incorporate into your everyday life?
 
Internal Locus of Control Statements
 
Section 1 – Keep in mind that we have control over how we feel.
  • It’s my choice how I look at things.
  • It’s my choice what meaning I go with.
  • It’s my choice what I focus on.
  • It’s my choice what I compare it to.
  • It’s my choice what I want to expect of myself….others.
  • It’s my choice what I imagine ahead of time.
  • It’s my choice how I want to feel.
  • No one upsets me. I upset myself.
  • Others don’t make me mad. I do.
  • My thoughts cause my feelings, not other people.
  • I’m disturbing myself about that.
  • What others do is just an event.
  • I upset myself when that happens.
  • I alone am responsible for how I feel.
  • They’re not responsible for how I feel. I am.
  • It’s not their job to make me feel better. That’s my job.
  • It’s my job to make myself better. It’s no up to anyone else.
  • It’s not their problem. It’s mine.
 
Effective Coping Statements
 
Section 2 – Avoid taking unnecessary responsibility for how others make themselves feel. 
  • It’s their choice how they look at things.
  • It’s their choice what meaning they go with.
  • It’s their choice what they focus on.
  • It’s their choice what they compare things to.
  • It’s their choice what they want to expect.
  • It’s their choice what they want to imagine.
  • It’s their choice how they want to feel.
  • No one upsets them. They upset themselves.
  • I don’t make them mad. They do.
  • Their thoughts cause their feelings. I don’t.
  • They’re disturbing themselves about that.
  • What I say or do is just an event for them.
  • They upset themselves when that happens.
  • They’re responsible for how they feel. I’m not.
  • I’m not responsible for how they feel. They are.
  • It’s not my job to make them feel better. It’s theirs.
  • It’s their job to make themselves better. It’s not up to me.
  • It’s not my problem. It’s theirs.
 
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